Thursday, April 9, 2015

50 Insults on Stupidity and Stupid Annoying People


We often find ourselves confronted with people who exasperate our patience with their asinine thoughts as well as having to pay for the cost of their stupidity. It is natural in these circumstances of wanting to contort their necks out of shape and/or gouge out their eyes. But if you were like me who abhor violence, then perhaps these insults on stupidity and stupid annoying people might come in handy. 

If only to release our frustration.

50 Insults on Stupidity and Stupid Annoying People

1. He's so stupid he tried to kill a bird by throwing it off a cliff

2. He's so stupid he tried drowning a fish.

3. It's not difficult to define "stupidity". YOU make it easy.

4. To call you "stupid" is not insulting enough...you are beyond stupid.

5. Do you know how old I am? Oh wait, I forgot you don't know how to count!

6. STUPID is spelled Y-O-U.

7. Do you want to see something stupid? Get a mirror.

8. I have never seen a finer specimen of stupidity...until I met you.

9. I would question your intelligence...if you had any.

10. Wise words...for an idiot at least.

11. With just one more brain, what a halfwit you'd be.

12. If stupidity was a disease, you would be dead right now.

13. No wonder you're unaware of your stupidity...it's on autopilot.

14. How can anyone be so stupid? Easy...if they were you.

15. An ant has more brain cells than you.

16. If you want to appear intelligent, all you have to do is close your mouth.

17. You're not a complete idiot...some parts are missing.

18. I disagree when people call you "stupid"..."idiot" is more appropriate.

19. If stupidity was a virus, you would be an epidemic.

20. A horse's ass looks more intelligent than you.

21. Excuse me, but your village is looking for you. They want their idiot back.

22. If only I.Q. meant "idiot quotient", you would be in the genius level.

23. He's so stupid he tried stealing a free sample.

24. He's so stupid he called 911 on the microwave when the house was on fire.

25. To enjoy your company, one needs a lower IQ.

26. Your diet seems to be working. Only problem is it move the fat off your ass and into your head.

27. He's so stupid he bought athlete's foot powder to make him run faster.

28. "A penny for your thoughts"? Ha! I'd still get back some change.

29. Is that your brain farting?

30. You would look less stupid if your face is where your butt is.

31. If someone were to smack you hard that your eyes roll back into your head, you'd see no brain there.

32. I heard you had a brain transplant and the brain rejected you.

33. The only way someone can see your point of view is if they shove their head far up their ass.

34. Sorry, but the stream of stupidity coming from your mouth is making it diffficult to understand you.

35. No wonder your brain isn't working...your seating on it.

36. Your brain has "Neanderthal" written all over it....soon to be extinct.

37. If your brain was ever donated to science, They would find the missing link of Darwin's theory of evolution.

38. Then again, a Chimpanzee may have more gray matter between it's ears than you.

39. I would call you a "Dumb Ass" but that would be insulting to Donkeys.

40. Adam & Eve ate from the tree of knowledge. You must be the fruit pits they spat out.

41. Have you ever notice that when your mouth moves your brain stops working?

42. Have you tried exorcism? You seem "possessed" by stupidity.

43. Just keep talking and maybe one day something intelligent will come out.

44. A witty insult or clever comeback would be wasted on you. You wouldn't understand it.

45. If there was a light switch in our brains, your's would be dimmers.

46. “I've seen more intelligence in the crotch lice of harem whores.” ― Christopher Moore

47. “I swear, talking to you is like talking to a really good-looking and mildly stupid brick wall.” ― Derek Landy

48. “If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, then they can sure make something out of you.” ― Muhammad Ali

49. “He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.” ― Groucho Marx

50. Everyone is entitled to be stupid (occasionally), but you're abusing the privilege.


Any clever comebacks to stupidity and witty insults for stupid annoying people?

Sunday, February 22, 2015

10 witty insults and clever comebacks for various occasions

How often have confrontational situation occur where in you were tempted to use expletives?

Instead, rise to the occasion and use witty insults or clever comebacks. Here are some examples:


1. Clever comeback to a reckless driver



A police officer was explaining to the indignant matron behind the wheels why he stopped her vehicle. "Ma'am, you ignored a stop sign, wandered over the opposite lane three times, and made an illegal left turn.
As he wrote the ticket he listened politely to the woman's uninterrupted protest.

"The trouble with you policemen," she concluded bitterly, "is you spend all your time picking on responsible citizens. Why don't you go catch drunk drivers for a change?"

"Ma'am, I thought I had one." was the soft reply.


2. Witty insult to a conversation bore



At a dinner party, David T. E. Dious who had recently acquired a small craft kept the conversation steadily on the subject of boating even though it was obvious no one else was interested. After boring his listeners with countless port and starboard, fore and aft details, David launched into the joys of boating. 

"Just name one popular resort on the water," he said finally, "where you wouldn't have a lot more fun with a boat."

In the bored silence that followed, one weary listener ventured, "Niagara Falls?"


3. Clever comeback to a swellheaded artist



Vincent Vain Gott, a young aspiring painter suddenly found his paintings enjoy a flurry of popularity. 

Overnight, his exaggerated opinion of himself inflated his ego and he promptly develop a lofty air.

Visiting a photo exhibit of Tom, a top photographer with a long list of awards to his credit, Vincent was unimpressed.

"Hmmm, not bad..." he remarked casually to Tom. "You must had a good camera."

Unruffled the photographer kept his cool. "Thank you. I like your paintings too." 

After a brief pause Tom added, "You must have a fine set of brushes."


4. Witty insult to a know-it-all
A.S.Fartsworth fancied himself an expert in international affairs and global politics. Hogging the conversation he would give his opinionated analysis and offer inane solutions to every world problem.

On one such occasion, Fartsworth was unfazed by the fact that among his audience was a foreign correspondent recently return from one of his many assignments abroad.

After voicing another one of his lengthy and vague statements he turn to the globe trotting reporter. 

"Well, what is your opinion of MY analysis on the subject?" he demanded.

"I'd rather not say," the veteran journalist replied in all seriousness. "One intelligent remark could blow the whole conversation."


5. Clever comeback to a bully



Moving into the new neighborhood, eight year old Johnny quickly establish himself as a bully. Unless he had his way, he would pummel and kick the other kids at the slightest provocation. Soon the other children avoided and no longer wanted to play with him.

Ignoring the numerous complains from mothers of the battered children, Johnny's own mother wondered why her son had become a social outcast. 

"Children in this neighborhood must be awful little snobs," she remarked to one of the mother of his son's victim. "Johnny had friends where we use to live, I can't understand why he does not have a single one here."

"Perhaps," the other mother coolly replied "it's because children around here seem to bruise so easily."


6. Witty insult to a mad golfer


 
Fred Blowafuse was not only the world's worst golfer, he was also the most ill-tempered. His caddies took the brunt of his outburst.

On a particular bad day, Fred continually complain loudly to his golfing partners that the youngster serving as his caddie wasn't worth his pay, much less a tip.

Studying a long par three hole with a water trap in front, Fred eyed his assorted clubs then snapped at the caddie "Boy! what should I use on this hole?"

"An old ball, sir." was the young caddie's quick reply.


7. Clever comeback to a condescending tourist



The tour group stopped for lunch at a quaint restaurant after leaving Texas and entering Mexico. They sat in embarrassed silence as their fellow Texan tourist, Mr.Fussbie scan and criticize each of the dish on the menu. 
The waiter did his best to be polite until Mr. Fussbie derisively inquired, "Waiter, are these American or Mexican Quails?"

The Mexican waiter who spoke perfect English sighed, "We don't know sir, they tend to fly back and forth across the border."


8. Witty insult to a corrupt politician



Despite his unsavory track record, B.S."sly" Barker decided to ran for re-election as mayor. A crafty politician, he took every opportunity to present himself as a champion and defender of the people's right to good government.

Knocking on the door of a little old lady who was aware of his political dishonesty, he concluded his spiel by saying "And so, you must vote for me, and vote for good government."

"Do you mean to tell me," she ask innocently "that I should vote twice? "


9. Clever comeback to a lazy office bum


If his boss wasn't his uncle, Oswald Goofoff would have been fired a long time ago.

Doing practically nothing, he would take long coffee breaks, surf the internet and chat on line. He also enjoyed wandering around the office and criticizing the work of others.

Oswald pounce one day on Harvey, a hardworking employee for making a minor error, bellowing loudly as if the mistake would push the firm into bankruptcy. Harvey quietly kept on working while Oswald huff and puff about slipshod work, carelessness and lack of attention to details.

"Why in all the time I've been here, I haven't made a single mistake in my work." He finally boasted "How do you explain that?"

Looking up from his desk, Harvey replied without hesitation "Lack of opportunity".


10. Witty insult to a "macho-man" braggart



Boasting of his sons, Sam Braggley twitted Hubert constantly about his all-girls family. "You should put pink frills on your front door and a woman sign on your bathroom."

So when Hubert's fifth newborn turn out to be another daughter, Sam thought it hilarious.

In a large gathering Sam laughingly invited Hubert to his home, "To see what boys look like." He also commented on the other's inability to beget a son.

"Well," Hubert replied "when the good Lord looks down and see that a home needs a man, I guess he sends one."


WITTY INSULTS AND CLEVER COMEBACKS ANYONE?


The difference between a rejoinder expressed in profanity and a repartee is that the first is like a crude assault by a battering ram while a witty insult or clever comeback can be compared to the foil of a fencing master; agile, nimble and elegant.

Saturday, January 17, 2015

The Wit and Humor of Abraham Lincoln


"Wit laughs at everybody, humor laughs with everybody."~
Abraham Lincoln

16th U.S. President, civil rights activist, self-educated lawyer, orator, storyteller par excellence.

Many a White House visitor was put at ease by the President's good humor and yarn spinning.

"I really think that Mr. Lincoln's propensity for story-telling has been exaggerated by his enemies. I had once the honor of conversing with him, or rather of hearing him converse, for several minutes, and in all that time he only told four little stories." ~ Sarah Jane Lippincott

Abraham Lincoln was a prodigious reader and fond of collecting stories and anecdotes.

A cabinet member recalls how the president once held up the reception line at a White House affair, in order to ask a guest to repeat an anecdote that he had told the president earlier. Lincoln apparently had forgotten some points of the story.

Lincoln would use anecdotes and humorous stories drawn from all classes of society to get across a point. No matter how complicated the subject matter was, people were able to see and realize the rationale of his argument through the simplicity of storytelling.

He also found solace in story telling. It seem to ease the burden of the presidency, especially the intense responsibility he felt for the issue of the civil war and the lives that were lost.

Abe Lincoln had a talent for spotting the ludicrous and humorous side in anything and everything.

A committee of sanctimonious war managers demanded General Grant's removal on the charge that he imbibe too much whiskey and was no better than a common drunkard. President Lincoln came to the defense of his successful general.
"Ah! You surprise me, gentlemen. But can you tell me where he gets his whiskey?"
"We cannot, Mr. President. But why do you wish to know?"
"Because I would like to send a barrel of this wonderful whiskey to every general in the army." the president answered.

Lincoln narrated this story in a light dig at the contentious and noisy critics to his handling of the civil war

"A frontiersman found himself lost in an uninhabited region on a dark stormy night. Accompanying the torrents of rain were lightnings and more terrible thunder. A bolt of lightning struck a nearby tree, causing the man to get down on his knees. Although not the church going kind, his appeal was short and to the point. "Oh, good Lord, if it's all the same to you, give us a little more light, and less noise."
(I would have love to see how today's crop of politicians fare at the foil tip of Abraham Lincoln's witty insults and clever comebacks.:)

The most trivial circumstance provided the background for his witty repartee.

A fellow lawyer, W.H. Lamon got into a scuffle that cause a large tear in the rear of his trousers. Unfortunately he had no time to change as he was due in court to take up a case. Because he had on a short coat, his misfortune was apparent. As a joke, other lawyers inside the courthouse started passing a subscription paper to buy a pair of pants for Lamon, -"He being a poor but worthy young man" the paper read. Several put down their names with almost ridiculous amount of donation.
Finally it reach Lincoln, who quietly glance over the paper.
Taking up his pen, wrote after his name, " I can contribute nothing to the end in view."

Abraham Lincoln was not handsome. Some would even say he had an ugly face. But he had a self-effacing nature that didn't hesitate to poke fun even at himself. During a heated debate, Lincoln was accused of being two-faced by an obviously hostile opponent. Without insulting the other man, he manage to defend himself and defuse the tension. 

Turning calmly to the crowd, Lincoln replied:
"If I had two faces, do you think I'd be wearing this one?"

Abraham Lincoln is among the most admire and revered U.S. presidents. He is the quintessence of what is noble in man. His wit and homespun humor added to that mystique.

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

How to Insult a Cheapskate with a Clever Comeback

During summer school breaks, Jimmy the youngest son of a friend made the rounds in our neighborhood doing odd jobs to earn some extra cash.

Among our neighbors was a cheapskate I'll hide under the name Mr. Tightwaddle. People generally avoided doing business with him because he always drive a hard bargain and they often get the short end of the deal.

Espying Jimmy one early morning, the neighborhood cheapskate called out to the young boy to ask him to do some car washing chore. Well aware of the other person's stinginess, Jimmy reluctantly walk up to the neighbor's driveway while trying to think of a way out of his predicament. 

He studied the dilapidated and collision battered car but made no move.

"Well go to it then" the owner prodded. "You do know how to wash a car, don't you?"

"Yes sir!" There was a short pause then Jimmy's clever comeback, "but I don't know how to iron one."

Thursday, January 8, 2015

A Clever "Anting-anting" Comeback to a military officer


A joke goes that Floyd Mayweather is afraid to fight boxing legend Manny Pacquiao because he heard Manny posses a powerful "Anting-anting" It is the Filipino word for amulet. It gives the owner great strength and invincibility. Even bullets supposedly can't penetrate the body an anting-anting possesor.

This isn't about Manny Pacquiao but my brother-in-law.

When the U.S. still had military bases in the Philippines, war games were often conducted near the provincial town where Orly, my brother-in-law lives. Sometimes the American soldiers would hire local civilians to act as insurgents in their mock wars. The ammunition are similar to those use in paint ball guns that put a marker on the body when hit. Orly would enlist for these "wars" because it was fun and the pay was good. Of course the natives would always lose because they were the bad guys and the Americans were badass Marines.

On one of these military maneuvers, my brother-in-law got "shot". 

Rules of engagement require the casualties to remain in place where they got hit. Unfortunately, something Orly ate earlier didn't quite agree with him and he was having stomach trouble. Try as he might he couldn't contain his uneasiness nor the grumbling inside him. Finally he got up and started running away from the area. A military observer notice this and yelled after my brother-in-law.

"HEY MAN, YOU SUPPOSE TO BE DEAD!"

"NO MAN, I HAVE ANTING-ANTING!" Orly yelled back as he continue running towards the nearest nature-provided toilet (behind some bushes).

Sunday, December 28, 2014

Get in Line or Get Insults From a Witty Shopper


A middle age woman was pushing her shopping cart through the supermarket with a wild abandonment that would have merit a traffic ticket for reckless driving had she been on the highway.

Mrs. Oberrush race towards the check out counter, brushing against or bumping other customers on the way. Then without giving it a second thought she deftly maneuver her heavily laden cart ahead of a man already in line.

Sensing his annoyance, she self-righteously turn to the man to explain, "I'm doing the shopping for a sick old lady."

"Go right ahead then" the man replied, "and let me wish you a speedy recovery."

Monday, December 22, 2014

Witty Repartee with a MOO Comeback



Mrs. Vandersnoot having recently inherited wealth, wasted no time in advertising it and flaunting her new stature in life.

Entering a chic boutique one day to shop for a leather jacket, it took her almost an hour to select the item and another thirty minutes fussing over the tiniest details and loudly expressing her doubts about it's quality.

"Are you sure this leather will wear well?" she haughtily ask the elderly clerk who was as impatient as the other customers waiting to be serve. "It won't stretch will it?" Mrs. Vandersnoot continued her grandstanding, "...or crack and give way?

"Madam," the clerk raise an eyebrow, "that leather once held a cow together."

Monday, December 15, 2014

Pinoy Witty Humor & Clever Comebacks


Foreigners visiting the Philippines are often astounded by the Filipino's sense of humor. Even in the midst of extreme poverty, laughter still abound and a complete stranger is often greeted with a ready smile rather than suspicion. We also have the knack for finding humor in a tragic or calamitous event. One can either say the Filipino has a weird sense of humor or is a natural-born "wit".


Here are two examples of Pinoy (Filipino) humor translated into English.

SUICIDE IS PAINLESS

Two college students, Juan and Pedro were roommates at a boarding house near their school. One bright sunny morning Pedro met a beautiful girl. They fell in love and like some love stories it ended tragically. His girlfriend found another man and dumped Pedro.

One sad dreary day, Juan unexpectedly found Pedro trying to hang himself inside the room they shared.

Juan: "Pedro! What are you doing?"

Pedro: "My girlfriend broke up with me."
"Hu-hu-hu-hu" Pedro started crying inconsolably

Juan: "Yes I know, but what are you DOING!?"

Pedro: "I'm trying to commit suicide"

Juan: "OH! But why is the noose around your ankles?"

Pedro: "I tried putting it around my neck...but I had a hard time breathing."

-------------------------------------------------------

THIS MEANS I AM PRESENT

This teacher was very fond of playing truant during class hours.

Her students waited patiently for her inside the classroom. Except for her handbag on the teacher's table, she was nowhere to be seen.

After 15 minutes, her students started filing out of the classroom.

The teacher was fuming mad the following day.

"Didn't you see my handbag on my desk? THAT MEANS I'M PRESENT!"

The next day the teacher arrive to a classroom full of bags but no students.

Saturday, December 13, 2014

The Wit of Groucho Marx





"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you"


People seem to like being insulted by Groucho, and he had the knack to dish it out.

Julius Henry "Groucho" Marx was an American film star and comedian famous for his quick wit and rapid fire delivery of maliciously laced spiels. Outside the movie studios his impromptu antics often found friends at the end of his witty comebacks and insulting repartee, much to their public embarrassment. Even his family was not spared.


Often diverting from the written script, Groucho was known as a loose cannon and notorious for saying almost anything that came to mind. At a show hosted by Bob Hope, he decided again to ignore the script. Although a formidable ad-libber himself, Bob Hope could not keep up with Groucho's barrage of improvise jokes.


To an annoying woman he said, ''I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.''


A wealthy lady once pulled up in a car and endeavored to persuade the gardener to come work for her. Unknown to her, the "gardener" was Groucho dressed in a well worn out attire. 

"How much does the lady of the house pay you?" She ask.
"Oh, I don't get paid in dollars," not bothering to look up from his work Groucho replied, "the lady of the house just lets me sleep with her."

Then there is the urban legend that has been going around. The story goes that among the many interviewed by Groucho Marx for the show "You bet your life" was a certain contestant, who claimed to have given birth to nine children. (some say 17, others 22)

"I love my husband " was her way of explaining the reason.
"I love my cigar too," Groucho replied, "but I take it out once in a while."

Although he didn't believe in the occult, Groucho Marx was once persuaded into attending a seance. He sat in respectful silence while the Swami stared into a crystal ball, brought forth the departed souls from the beyond and answered queries from the seance participant in an eerie monotone.

After a long spell of indistinct enunciation, the sorcerer finally intoned, "My medium is growing tired. There is only time for one more question."
Without a moments hesitation Groucho riposte, "Ask it what the capital of North Dakota is?"

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Expletives for Witty Insults and Clever Comebacks ?






"n for all that will want to prove me wrong,
fuck came from the Scots dialect meaning to hit...
am gaunnie fuck ye er the heid wey this boatle"
~ Billy Connolly

We may admire the self-deprecating yet perceptive wit of Abe Lincoln. Are provoke into laughter by the cracker-barrel ingenuity and witticism of Mark Twain. Awed by Oscar Wilde's laconic and economical use of words in his witty insults and clever comebacks. But not everyone has the cleverness or adroitness  to whip up a repartee at a moment's notice. 

Most of us have to make do with expletives for comebacks.


Why people use expletives for insults and comebacks


Not many people are expressive enough or have the vocabulary to be clever in their retorts and comebacks, so they use profanity or fill their rejoinder with expletives.

Some grew up with parents who could out-curse a Marine drill sergeant. I have a friend who learn to cuss while still on his mommy's knee. This does not mean we should encourage children to swear or use profanity. It might stunt their communication skills. Make them lazy; why go to all that effort of putting words together for witty comebacks when a simple "FUCK YOU!" will suffice.

How many future wits of the likes of Oscar Wilde and Mark Twain have been lost because of the careless use of profanity?

However, the use of expletive has no bearing on a person's level of intelligence. Swearing is not a sign of low intelligence. Everyone swears (At least in my circle of acquaintances). Is it an indication of a lack of breeding? (Sh*t...I dunno.)

"The sort of twee person who thinks swearing is in any way a sign of a lack of education, or of a lack of verbal interest, is just fucking lunatic". ~ Stephen Fry

It's not that we go out of our way to offend people,(well...maybe those @#&*! JERKS in government who continue to make a mess of the economy) but swearing is a great outlet for our frustrations.


Benefits of using expletives for other things beside insults and comebacks


• Quick way to end a boring conversation.

• Releases excessive hormonal activity at climatic moments. (OOoooh,.....use your fertile imagination.)

• More satisfying than crying over the blues when in a state of depression. (Like when your girl friend ditch you for your best friend.) Good to go with a couple of cold beer.

• Give fickle fate the dirty finger and send a strong message to the Big Bopper up in the sky to "FUCK OFF!" (Open fields are great but avoid mountains.The returning echoes allows God to have the last expletive..er,...word)

• A chance to improve mind and mouth coordination over matter and mayhem (When you accidentally stubbed a toe or hit your thumb with a hammer)

• Helps with anger management problems. I use to kick and punch a gym bag but gave it up after developing calluses. Now I just yell expletives at the punching bag. Less wear and tear. Same results.

• For those who allowed their mental faculties to lag behind in pursuit of physical excellence (Jocks), Learn a few Latin expletives to confound the classroom nerd/genius (Quid rides vervex? Non optimus urbicus poeta!) and impress his quiet librarian girlfriend, who's really a hot chick without her glasses.

• Learn some foreign cuss words, they come in handy when you travel abroad. Practice d├ętente and contribute to bridging the communication gap between nations.The natives will look at you with renewed respect and give you better services.

Just remember that mothers are beloved everywhere in the world. Refrain from using expletives that refer to mothers (theirs in particular), to avoid getting punch in the face.


Proper use of expletive for insults and comebacks


• Singular expletive can be offensive, but sound funny when three or more are strung together in a sentence.

In lighthearted moments, a judiciously place expletive can intensify and make a joke funnier. Just make sure your utterances of expletive is not inconsistent with your surroundings. (like in a church lobby immediately after the service, with staid and straightlaced aunt Martha around.)

• If swearing have become a habit, replace the more offensive expletive with comical and amusing ones.

Instead of "What the f**k?", use "What the duck?"

"Kiss my puckered starfish" for "Kiss my ass"

And as a parting shot,

"May your underwear be curse with the fleas of a thousand camels" when you break off a relationship.

OK....there isn't a cuss word in this witty insult. Just replace the word "underwear" with one that also mean an upright tree or a deep gully surrounded by dense vegetation.(Need I paint you a picture?)

• There is a wide range of expletives that can be characterize from cute, silly, amusing to crude, risque, vulgar or pedestrian.

By all reckoning, the "F" word is probably the most versatile; it can be use for different moods and occasions

Surprise - "OH, f**k me!"
Aggression - " F**K YOU!"
Confusion - " What the f**k?"
Apathy - "Who gives a f**k!"
Suspicion - "Who the f**k are you?!"
Resignation - "Oh f**k it!"
Panic - "Lets get the f**k out of here!"
Denial - " I didn't f**king do it!"
Giving directions - "F**K OFF!"
Looking for directions - "Where the f**k am I?"

..etc...etc...etc.

However, Overusing the "F**K" word can be tiresome. Try adding to your vocabulary of expletives.

Poetic outburst, perhaps? Like alliteration...."You furtive fat ferret filching f**king freak!

With a little tweaking, expletives can come in handy in witty insults and clever comebacks.