Learn How to Give Witty Insults and Clever Comebacks

Out of the unconscious lips of babes and sucklings are we satirized.
~ Mark Twain

My grandson Zac "The comeback kid"

Some people are endowed with an acerbic tongue that drip with sarcasm. For them, giving clever comebacks or witty insults come naturally.

You might think they are spiteful or want to hurt the feelings of others. But that isn't always the case.

It's just that they see the irony of things around them. To a sarcastic mind the affairs of men is nothing short of a tragic-comedy. The world may be a stage but who wants to unknowingly be caught up in the pantomime performance of fools?

Or perhaps they find certain behavior inappropriate in polite conversation and feel the need to rectify the situation.

If you must poke fun for amusement or have the urge to shut up obnoxious people, then there are certain things you must be observant of aside from what they are saying. Take note of how they look, their mannerism or the clothes they wear. Often these will give you clues on how to set them up for your repartee.

The 3 T's to a successful witty insult or clever comeback

Target - Try not to get into an entanglement with people in authority like a police officer who is carrying a gun, your boss who has the ability to fire you or your mother in law who can make your marriage a living hell.

Do not use insulting comebacks in a scatter-gun manner firing indiscriminately. Applied at the wrong time with the wrong person and you might end up not only hurting someone's feeling, but hurting yourself if the person you insulted is capable of beating the living daylights out of you.

So choose your targets wisely.

Timing - It is essential to time your retort or comeback at the right moment to achieve the desired effect. If you wait too long, it loses it's value and may look strange or lame. Also choose your words carefully in order not to give the impression among others in the conversation that you are a bully badmouthing the target out of malice. (Even if that is the reason)

Don't forget to smile before you deliver the punch line. This tell the others you are not serious and avoid turning the banter into a heated argument. Follow the WGL rule; Wink, Grin, or Laugh.

Tact - People don't really like being humiliated in front of others, especially among their peers. 

Your witty insults and clever comebacks may provide amusement and elicit laughter, but it also leaves a sour and bitter aftertaste with the victim. You might start to notice friends and acquaintance avoiding eye contact with you during social gatherings, or decide they needed to be somewhere else as you  approach and enter into their group conversation.

The repartee is a finely wrought tool that can either make you the life of the party or a pariah. Temper your witty insults and clever comebacks with moderation.

Witty Insult and Clever Comeback Against the Devil

"Tis no sin to cheat the devil" ~ Daniel Defoe

A mathematician, a physicist and a high school dropout were at the pearly gates of heaven waiting to be allowed entrance. But instead of St.Peter, they were met by the Devil.

"Heaven is overcrowded right now and I have been delegated by God to limit those who can enter."

"I will allow you to ask me one question, and you can enter heaven if I cannot answer it" continued the Devil.

The mathematician created a complicated Calculus problem which would have taken a person using a computer days to solve, but the devil only look at it briefly and gave the correct answer. Poof! The mathematician vanish and found himself in Hell.

The physicist was next and he ask for the solution to a quantum physics question which Einstein had never solved. The Devil took a minute to find the answer. "Albert ask me a similar question, why don't you join him." The physicist found his body molecules disintegrating and he was on his way to hell as well.

"Before I ask my question, I need a stool with seven holes drill into the seat" the high school dropout requested.

Although it was not part of the deal, the Devil was intrigue and with a snap of his fingers the stool appeared.

The dropout then sat on the stool and farted. "Now which hole did my fart go through?" he ask the Devil.

"That's easy" Satan replied without bothering to think, "It pass through all of them."

"Wrong...you can go back to hell. I farted through my ASS-HOLE."

Needless to say, the high school dropout entered heaven.

Using Backhanded Compliments for Witty Insults and Clever Comebacks

Similar to the comeback is the complisult (compliment + insult). The correct term is asteism; a genteel manner of deriding another with polite irony. It is commonly known as a backhanded or left handed compliment.

"I'm impress, you're smarter than you look."

"You look good in that dress, have you lost weight?"

"You're a good driver, for a woman."

However, some people are either simple-minded or dim-witted they fail to discern the contempt and actually believe they are being complimented.

A class buffoon was making a nuisance of himself around a girl who was trying to study for an exam.

"I never study for an exam" he quip.

Her retort "Of course you don't need to study, why learn when ignorance is instantaneous." probably didn't sink into his thick skull.

The irony wasted on the stupid.

Backhanded compliments can be simple.

Women can get away with "Aren't you sweet...." or end it with "....Bless_ heart."

"Well, aren't you sweet, you poor pox riddled tart."

"That Arleen is one fat cow, bless her heart"

You can also wink..

"You're so cute!" (to a fat person)

12 backhand complements for insulting comebacks

1. "You're pretty in an unconventional way." (to a plain looking girl)

2. "What a beautiful baby! Was it conceived naturally?" ( to a proud father)

3. "You're really pretty in this picture, I didn't recognize you!" (looking at her photo)

4. "You know, your English is really good." (American to a British living in the U.S.)

5. "Wow, you only weigh that much? Unbelievable!"

6. "Your diet plan seems to be working...maybe it's because you're wearing baggy clothes"

7. "I like your new hair style, it makes your nose look smaller."

8. "You're funny, in the way that you make people laugh at you."

9. "I make a terrible first impression..."

"Don't worry, it takes a while to get use to you."

10. "You can be a model. Make-up does wonders."

11. "Your thin lips are probably the best think about your looks."

12. "You're really awkward around people, but in an endearing way."

Just be careful not to commit a faux pas, or you may find yourself in an uncomfortable situation.

A man trying to be witty remark to his girlfriend....

"I don't know why people have sex with prostitutes when there are gorgeous women like you who will do it for free."

He's now her ex-boyfriend. 

Witty Insult and Clever Comeback Against an Intellectual Snob

"I love it when someone insults me. That means I don't have to be nice anymore" ~ Billy Idol

A young college professor, Charles Boorman was an intellectual snob. 

He looked down on his suburban neighbors with arrogant disdain. "Their men are incredibly dim-witted," he often said, "and their wives total airheads."
On a stroll one Sunday morning, he came across a neighbor perched atop a tree fastening the ropes for a child's swing.
"Ah, Ken," he called out "Reverting to type, I suppose?"
When his neighbor just wave a friendly greeting, Charles continued, "I always suspected you evolved from some monkey ancestors."

Dropping to the ground, Ken smiled. "I guess I did," he said. 
"And may I wish your descendants the same good luck."

20 Witty Insults and Clever Comebacks From Famous People

Have you ever lost the power of human speech while being assaulted verbally by a loudmouth? 

Do you find yourself mumbling unintelligible monosyllabic words, awestruck by the overbearing presence of a prominent person? 

Or perhaps suffer in silent agony from the pontifical hooey of an annoying know it all?

THE BEST ADVICE IS TO STAY CLEAR OF THEM. UNFORTUNATELY THAT'S NOT ALWAYS POSSIBLE.

Then why not parry the verbal abuse by responding with a quick, clever or humorous riposte?

Comebacks that have the pointed barb of sarcasm cloth in polite term. Like a riposte, a witty repartee parries an opponent's thrust and counterattacks with a conversation stopper. The perfect squelch to the boastfulness of a pompous fool, delivering a direct missile hit to the person's ego with devastating effect.

To bring about a quick resolution to an unwarranted confrontation, it is not necessary to step down to name calling or use profanity and obscene language. 

You can still insult and express contempt in a tactful and tasteful manner.

20 Witty Repartee and Brilliant Comebacks from Famous People

1. "You're a good example of why some animals eat their young" ~ Jim Samuels

2. "You're a parasite for sore eyes" ~ Gregory Ratoff

3. "Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?" ~ Milton Berle

4. "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." ~ Irvin S. Cobb

5. "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." ~ Mark Twain

6. "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." ~ Stephen Bishop

7. "I regard you with an indifference bordering on aversion."~ Robert Louis Stevenson

8. "He hasn't an enemy in the world, but all his friends hate him." ~ Eddie Cantor

9. "Sometimes I need what only you can provide; your absence." ~ Ashleigh Brilliant

10. "Am reserving two tickets for you for my premiere. Come and bring a friend - if you have one."(George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill)
"Impossible to be present for the first performance. Will attend second - if there is one." (Churchill's reply)

11. "Fine words! I wonder where you stole them." ~ Jonathan Swift

12. "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."~(William Faulkner about Ernest Hemingway)
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words" ~ (Ernest Hemingway about William Faulkner)

13. "From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it." ~ Groucho Marx

14. "If I were married to you, I'd put poison in your coffee." ( Lady Astor to Winston Churchill)
"If you were my wife, I'd drink it." (Churchill's reply)

15. "You will either die on the gallows or of a loathsome disease." ( John Montague to John Wilkes)
"That depends on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress." (John Wilkes, in reply)

16. "A modest little person, with much to be modest about."~ Winston Churchill

17. "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." ~ Forrest Tucker

18. "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." ~ Billy Wilder

19. "He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." ~ Abraham Lincoln

20. "You have delighted us long enough" ~ Jane Austen

Witty Insults and clever comebacks, anyone?

25 Witty Insults and Clever Comebacks

Have you ever gotten into an argument with someone and couldn't think of something witty or clever as a rejoinder, so you say something feeble and lame.Maybe even ended up looking pathetic or feeling stupid? Then the next day it pops into your mind, the perfect repartee. "Ohhh...I wish I said that" you tell yourself, but too late.

It's called the "comeback", The witty repartee that insults with finesse. Another possible term could be the "perfect squelch". So the art could be called "squelchmanship" and the practitioner a "squelcher" :))

The wit or "squelcher" is the one who laughs best because he always has the last laugh with the cutting comebacks that never fail to leave his victims speechless behind a bright crimson blush. Haven't you ever CRUSHED someone beneath the insulting comeback of your last word? It felt good, didn't it?

We admire people whose witty repartee could stop a charging bull dead on it's tracks. Their insulting comeback, a sharp riposte dripping with sarcasm that evokes laughter and make the OTHER PERSON look stupid.

Naturally, the perfect wit or "squelcher" is a mythical beast, but all of us have the ability to be insultingly witty. It just need commitment on our part.

Successful use of the repartee or comeback requires a keen perception, a temperate nature not given to emotional outburst, the mental capacity to formulate suitable words and the verbal skills to employ them.


25 WITTY INSULTS AND CLEVER COMEBACKS WE WISH WE MADE OURSELVES

1. "If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you" 

2. "Is it time for your medication" 

3. "I'm not so good with the advice, can I interest you with a sarcastic comment" 

4. "Are those your eyeballs, I found them in my cleavage"

5. "The trouble with you is that you lack the power of conversation but not the power of speech" 

6. "Nice perfume, must you marinate in it?"

7. "I wish we were better strangers" 

8. "I'm not your type, I'm not inflatable"

9. "I'll always cherish the original misconception I had about you"

10. "I see you're still working on your random intelligence" 

11. "It's a plastic surgeon you need, not a doctor 

12. "Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you any worse advice. 

13. "You never slow down to think, I guess it's too painful to spend time with your own thoughts"

14. "I can't believe that out of 10,000 sperm,you were the quickest"

15. "I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter"

16. "Not everyone is annoying, some are dead"

17. "I could have been your dad but the dog beat me over the fence"

18. "How many times do I have to flush before you go away"

19. "There's a fine line between house-sitting and breaking into someone's home while they're on vacation and eating all their food"

20. "With your IQ, I don't think you would understand"

21. "Other than being disgusting,irritating,stupid and smelly, your actually quite okay"

22. "Your so funny you make people laugh at you"
.
23. "I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time"

24. "If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive"

25. "Don't be humble, you're not that great."

NOTE: keep a collection of as many repartee, modifying them as the circumstance warrant. Then put them into use whenever an opportunity arises. With practice you can become the "wit" in any verbal tussle, instead of being at the end of another person's  witty insults and clever comebacks.