Sunday, February 22, 2015

10 witty insults and clever comebacks for various occasions

How often have confrontational situation occur where in you were tempted to use expletives?

Instead, rise to the occasion and use witty insults or clever comebacks. Here are some examples:

1. Clever comeback to a reckless driver

A police officer was explaining to the indignant matron behind the wheels why he stopped her vehicle. "Ma'am, you ignored a stop sign, wandered over the opposite lane three times, and made an illegal left turn.
As he wrote the ticket he listened politely to the woman's uninterrupted protest.

"The trouble with you policemen," she concluded bitterly, "is you spend all your time picking on responsible citizens. Why don't you go catch drunk drivers for a change?"

"Ma'am, I thought I had one." was the soft reply.

2. Witty insult to a conversation bore

At a dinner party, David T. E. Dious who had recently acquired a small craft kept the conversation steadily on the subject of boating even though it was obvious no one else was interested. After boring his listeners with countless port and starboard, fore and aft details, David launched into the joys of boating. 

"Just name one popular resort on the water," he said finally, "where you wouldn't have a lot more fun with a boat."

In the bored silence that followed, one weary listener ventured, "Niagara Falls?"

3. Clever comeback to a swellheaded artist

Vincent Vain Gott, a young aspiring painter suddenly found his paintings enjoy a flurry of popularity. 

Overnight, his exaggerated opinion of himself inflated his ego and he promptly develop a lofty air.

Visiting a photo exhibit of Tom, a top photographer with a long list of awards to his credit, Vincent was unimpressed.

"Hmmm, not bad..." he remarked casually to Tom. "You must had a good camera."

Unruffled the photographer kept his cool. "Thank you. I like your paintings too." 

After a brief pause Tom added, "You must have a fine set of brushes."

4. Witty insult to a know-it-all
A.S.Fartsworth fancied himself an expert in international affairs and global politics. Hogging the conversation he would give his opinionated analysis and offer inane solutions to every world problem.

On one such occasion, Fartsworth was unfazed by the fact that among his audience was a foreign correspondent recently return from one of his many assignments abroad.

After voicing another one of his lengthy and vague statements he turn to the globe trotting reporter. 

"Well, what is your opinion of MY analysis on the subject?" he demanded.

"I'd rather not say," the veteran journalist replied in all seriousness. "One intelligent remark could blow the whole conversation."

5. Clever comeback to a bully

Moving into the new neighborhood, eight year old Johnny quickly establish himself as a bully. Unless he had his way, he would pummel and kick the other kids at the slightest provocation. Soon the other children avoided and no longer wanted to play with him.

Ignoring the numerous complains from mothers of the battered children, Johnny's own mother wondered why her son had become a social outcast. 

"Children in this neighborhood must be awful little snobs," she remarked to one of the mother of his son's victim. "Johnny had friends where we use to live, I can't understand why he does not have a single one here."

"Perhaps," the other mother coolly replied "it's because children around here seem to bruise so easily."

6. Witty insult to a mad golfer

Fred Blowafuse was not only the world's worst golfer, he was also the most ill-tempered. His caddies took the brunt of his outburst.

On a particular bad day, Fred continually complain loudly to his golfing partners that the youngster serving as his caddie wasn't worth his pay, much less a tip.

Studying a long par three hole with a water trap in front, Fred eyed his assorted clubs then snapped at the caddie "Boy! what should I use on this hole?"

"An old ball, sir." was the young caddie's quick reply.

7. Clever comeback to a condescending tourist

The tour group stopped for lunch at a quaint restaurant after leaving Texas and entering Mexico. They sat in embarrassed silence as their fellow Texan tourist, Mr.Fussbie scan and criticize each of the dish on the menu. 
The waiter did his best to be polite until Mr. Fussbie derisively inquired, "Waiter, are these American or Mexican Quails?"

The Mexican waiter who spoke perfect English sighed, "We don't know sir, they tend to fly back and forth across the border."

8. Witty insult to a corrupt politician

Despite his unsavory track record, B.S."sly" Barker decided to ran for re-election as mayor. A crafty politician, he took every opportunity to present himself as a champion and defender of the people's right to good government.

Knocking on the door of a little old lady who was aware of his political dishonesty, he concluded his spiel by saying "And so, you must vote for me, and vote for good government."

"Do you mean to tell me," she ask innocently "that I should vote twice? "

9. Clever comeback to a lazy office bum

If his boss wasn't his uncle, Oswald Goofoff would have been fired a long time ago.

Doing practically nothing, he would take long coffee breaks, surf the internet and chat on line. He also enjoyed wandering around the office and criticizing the work of others.

Oswald pounce one day on Harvey, a hardworking employee for making a minor error, bellowing loudly as if the mistake would push the firm into bankruptcy. Harvey quietly kept on working while Oswald huff and puff about slipshod work, carelessness and lack of attention to details.

"Why in all the time I've been here, I haven't made a single mistake in my work." He finally boasted "How do you explain that?"

Looking up from his desk, Harvey replied without hesitation "Lack of opportunity".

10. Witty insult to a "macho-man" braggart

Boasting of his sons, Sam Braggley twitted Hubert constantly about his all-girls family. "You should put pink frills on your front door and a woman sign on your bathroom."

So when Hubert's fifth newborn turn out to be another daughter, Sam thought it hilarious.

In a large gathering Sam laughingly invited Hubert to his home, "To see what boys look like." He also commented on the other's inability to beget a son.

"Well," Hubert replied "when the good Lord looks down and see that a home needs a man, I guess he sends one."


The difference between a rejoinder expressed in profanity and a repartee is that the first is like a crude assault by a battering ram while a witty insult or clever comeback can be compared to the foil of a fencing master; agile, nimble and elegant.

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