Get in Line or Get Insults From a Witty Shopper

A middle age woman was pushing her shopping cart through the supermarket with a wild abandonment that would have merit a traffic ticket for reckless driving had she been on the highway.

Mrs. Oberrush race towards the check out counter, brushing against or bumping other customers on the way. Then without giving it a second thought she deftly maneuver her heavily laden cart ahead of a man already in line.

Sensing his annoyance, she self-righteously turn to the man to explain, "I'm doing the shopping for a sick old lady."

"Go right ahead then" the man replied, "and let me wish you a speedy recovery."

Witty Repartee with a MOO Comeback

Mrs. Vandersnoot having recently inherited wealth, wasted no time in advertising it and flaunting her new stature in life.

Entering a chic boutique one day to shop for a leather jacket, it took her almost an hour to select the item and another thirty minutes fussing over the tiniest details and loudly expressing her doubts about it's quality.

"Are you sure this leather will wear well?" she haughtily ask the elderly clerk who was as impatient as the other customers waiting to be serve. "It won't stretch will it?" Mrs. Vandersnoot continued her grandstanding, "...or crack and give way?" 

"Madam," the clerk raise an eyebrow, "that leather once held a cow together."

Pinoy Witty Humor & Clever Comebacks

Foreigners visiting the Philippines are often astounded by the Filipino's sense of humor. Even in the midst of extreme poverty, laughter still abound and a complete stranger is often greeted with a ready smile rather than suspicion. We also have the knack for finding humor in a tragic or calamitous event. One can either say the Filipino has a weird sense of humor or is a natural-born "wit".

Here are two examples of Pinoy (Filipino) humor translated into English.

SUICIDE IS PAINLESS

Two college students, Juan and Pedro were roommates at a boarding house near their school. One bright sunny morning Pedro met a beautiful girl. They fell in love and like some love stories it ended tragically. His girlfriend found another man and dumped Pedro.

One sad dreary day, Juan unexpectedly found Pedro trying to hang himself inside the room they shared.

Juan: "Pedro! What are you doing?"

Pedro: "My girlfriend broke up with me."
"Hu-hu-hu-hu" Pedro started crying inconsolably

Juan: "Yes I know, but what are you DOING!?"

Pedro: "I'm trying to commit suicide"

Juan: "OH! But why is the noose around your ankles?"

Pedro: "I tried putting it around my neck...but I had a hard time breathing."

-------------------------------------------------------

THIS MEANS I AM PRESENT

This teacher was very fond of playing truant during class hours.

Her students waited patiently for her inside the classroom. Except for her handbag on the teacher's table, she was nowhere to be seen.

After 15 minutes, her students started filing out of the classroom.

The teacher was fuming mad the following day.

"Didn't you see my handbag on my desk? THAT MEANS I'M PRESENT!"

The next day the teacher arrive to a classroom full of bags but no students.

The Wit of Groucho Marx

"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you"

People seem to like being insulted by Groucho, and he had the knack to dish it out.

Julius Henry "Groucho" Marx was an American film star and comedian famous for his quick wit and rapid fire delivery of maliciously laced spiels. Outside the movie studios his impromptu antics often found friends at the end of his witty comebacks and insulting repartee, much to their public embarrassment. Even his family was not spared.

Often diverting from the written script, Groucho was known as a loose cannon and notorious for saying almost anything that came to mind. At a show hosted by Bob Hope, he decided again to ignore the script. Although a formidable ad-libber himself, Bob Hope could not keep up with Groucho's barrage of improvise jokes.

To an annoying woman he said, ''I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.''

A wealthy lady once pulled up in a car and endeavored to persuade the gardener to come work for her. Unknown to her, the "gardener" was Groucho dressed in a well worn out attire. 
"How much does the lady of the house pay you?" She ask.
"Oh, I don't get paid in dollars," not bothering to look up from his work Groucho replied, "the lady of the house just lets me sleep with her."

Then there is the urban legend that has been going around. The story goes that among the many interviewed by Groucho Marx for the show "You bet your life" was a certain contestant, who claimed to have given birth to nine children. (some say 17, others 22)
"I love my husband " was her way of explaining the reason.
"I love my cigar too," Groucho replied, "but I take it out once in a while."

Although he didn't believe in the occult, Groucho Marx was once persuaded into attending a seance. He sat in respectful silence while the Swami stared into a crystal ball, brought forth the departed souls from the beyond and answered queries from the seance participant in an eerie monotone.
After a long spell of indistinct enunciation, the sorcerer finally intoned, "My medium is growing tired. There is only time for one more question."
Without a moments hesitation Groucho riposte, "Ask it what the capital of North Dakota is?"

Expletives for Witty Insults and Clever Comebacks ?

"n for all that will want to prove me wrong,
fuck came from the Scots dialect meaning to hit...
am gaunnie fuck ye er the heid wey this boatle"
~ Billy Connolly

We may admire the self-deprecating yet perceptive wit of Abe Lincoln. Are provoke into laughter by the cracker-barrel ingenuity and witticism of Mark Twain. Awed by Oscar Wilde's laconic and economical use of words in his witty insults and clever comebacks. But not everyone has the cleverness or adroitness  to whip up a repartee at a moment's notice. 

Most of us have to make do with expletives for comebacks.

Why people use expletives for insults and comebacks

Not many people are expressive enough or have the vocabulary to be clever in their retorts and comebacks, so they use profanity or fill their rejoinder with expletives.

Some grew up with parents who could out-curse a Marine drill sergeant. I have a friend who learn to cuss while still on his mommy's knee. This does not mean we should encourage children to swear or use profanity. It might stunt their communication skills. Make them lazy; why go to all that effort of putting words together for witty comebacks when a simple "FUCK YOU!" will suffice.

How many future wits of the likes of Oscar Wilde and Mark Twain have been lost because of the careless use of profanity?

However, the use of expletive has no bearing on a person's level of intelligence. Swearing is not a sign of low intelligence. Everyone swears (At least in my circle of acquaintances). Is it an indication of a lack of breeding? (Sh*t...I dunno.)

"The sort of twee person who thinks swearing is in any way a sign of a lack of education, or of a lack of verbal interest, is just fucking lunatic". ~ Stephen Fry

It's not that we go out of our way to offend people,(well...maybe those @#&*! JERKS in government who continue to make a mess of the economy) but swearing is a great outlet for our frustrations.

Benefits of using expletives for other things beside insults and comebacks

• Quick way to end a boring conversation.

• Releases excessive hormonal activity at climatic moments. (OOoooh,.....use your fertile imagination.)

• More satisfying than crying over the blues when in a state of depression. (Like when your girl friend ditch you for your best friend.) Good to go with a couple of cold beer.

• Give fickle fate the dirty finger and send a strong message to the Big Bopper up in the sky to "FUCK OFF!" (Open fields are great but avoid mountains.The returning echoes allows God to have the last expletive..er,...word)

• A chance to improve mind and mouth coordination over matter and mayhem (When you accidentally stubbed a toe or hit your thumb with a hammer)

• Helps with anger management problems. I use to kick and punch a gym bag but gave it up after developing calluses. Now I just yell expletives at the punching bag. Less wear and tear. Same results.

• For those who allowed their mental faculties to lag behind in pursuit of physical excellence (Jocks), Learn a few Latin expletives to confound the classroom nerd/genius (Quid rides vervex? Non optimus urbicus poeta!) and impress his quiet librarian girlfriend, who's really a hot chick without her glasses.

• Learn some foreign cuss words, they come in handy when you travel abroad. Practice détente and contribute to bridging the communication gap between nations.The natives will look at you with renewed respect and give you better services.

Just remember that mothers are beloved everywhere in the world. Refrain from using expletives that refer to mothers (theirs in particular), to avoid getting punch in the face.

Proper use of expletive for insults and comebacks

• Singular expletive can be offensive, but sound funny when three or more are strung together in a sentence.

In lighthearted moments, a judiciously place expletive can intensify and make a joke funnier. Just make sure your utterances of expletive is not inconsistent with your surroundings. (like in a church lobby immediately after the service, with staid and straightlaced aunt Martha around.)

• If swearing have become a habit, replace the more offensive expletive with comical and amusing ones.

Instead of "What the f**k?", use "What the duck?"

"Kiss my puckered starfish" for "Kiss my ass"

And as a parting shot,

"May your underwear be curse with the fleas of a thousand camels" when you break off a relationship.

OK....there isn't a cuss word in this witty insult. Just replace the word "underwear" with one that also mean an upright tree or a deep gully surrounded by dense vegetation.(Need I paint you a picture?)

• There is a wide range of expletives that can be characterize from cute, silly, amusing to crude, risque, vulgar or pedestrian.

By all reckoning, the "F" word is probably the most versatile; it can be use for different moods and occasions

Surprise - "OH, f**k me!"
Aggression - " F**K YOU!"
Confusion - " What the f**k?"
Apathy - "Who gives a f**k!"
Suspicion - "Who the f**k are you?!"
Resignation - "Oh f**k it!"
Panic - "Lets get the f**k out of here!"
Denial - " I didn't f**king do it!"
Giving directions - "F**K OFF!"
Looking for directions - "Where the f**k am I?"

..etc...etc...etc.

However, Overusing the "F**K" word can be tiresome. Try adding to your vocabulary of expletives.

Poetic outburst, perhaps? Like alliteration...."You furtive fat ferret filching f**king freak!

With a little tweaking, expletives can come in handy in witty insults and clever comebacks.

Squelch a Witty Insult or Clever Comeback...Play Dumb

There are two types of people who use witty insults and clever comebacks. 

Those who do it for fun and are looking for some laughs (at your expense), be a good sport and play along but set the limit (or riposte back with your own repartee).  

Then there are those who do it because they are always in a foul mood, the bad-tempered GROUCH...AVOID THEM.

Another way to deal with insulting comebacks is to fake stupidity, play "dumb". It takes the fun away from the sarcasm if you refuse to acknowledge it.

From the fashionable elite to yokels in the boondocks, lowbrow philistine to intellectual highbrows, snobs and rude manners cut across the socioeconomic boundaries. 

They are everywhere! 

Be PREPARED...Learn the art of the repartee. Be CREATIVE in your INSULTS and COMEBACKS. :)

Smarter than given credit for

Are you MAL-educated? (Insulting a Mad Dog)

A not so friendly on-line discussion between a college professor and a college dropout(Me)

It started innocently enough. I made a comment on an article published on-line. The article was about the reason why a woman would engage in prostitution. Promiscuity cause by low self esteem was the premise put forward. The author, a college professor use her survey of a low income and depressed area where honky-tonk bars and karaoke-beer houses proliferated. I will not mention her statistics other than to say I believe the number of people surveyed woefully inadequate to be able to come up with a credible conclusion.

My comment focus on other possibilities of why a woman might turn to prostitution like poverty and the social environment she happen to grow up in. Unfortunately the professor took offense and her reply had the aggressiveness of a pack of attack dogs. Thinking she may have misunderstood my comment, I responded with_

"Nowhere in my comment do I excuse, overlook, or make allowances for prostitution; either the selling of one's body or principles. My statement "I don't think it fair to equate prostitution with promiscuity" and "...poverty and the necessity for survival would be the main reason for turning to prostitution." are reasonable and in no way suggest that I am trying to prove I am better inform than you nor pick a fight..."

This further infuriated the college professor and she replied_

"Don't try to prove to me that you are a better person just because you are from the so-called developed countries (She overlook the fact that I am also from the Philippines). Your racism is as ignorant and rampant like most of your MAL-EDUCATED and highly opinionated street masses. I don't want to attack people but if you want a fight then I am ON."

Perhaps I was bored or had nothing better to do at that time. I had no desire to pick a fight (the prudent thing to do was to stop further comments on my part) but finding the humor in the situation, I decided that I too was "ON".

However, I was careful not to attack her person but only to put up arguments against the fallacy of her reasoning. As the comments flew back and forth I could visualize the college professor's face turning purple with anger, since her responds became more blusterous...like the winds of Patagonia. Then she turn really personal and started attacking my ancestry as well as my educational attainment. She also boasted of her allege (since I have no way of verifying this) achievement in the academe and derided my lowly educational background.

Finally tiring of the cat and mouse game (I was the mouse annoying the cat) I decided to end it and wrote "I had hope for a constructive discussion or exchange of ideas and insight through these comments, sadly I must look elsewhere." I also took note of her fondness for using the word "MAL-EDUCATED" which often preceded her diatribe against me.

Because I didn't finish college and was therefore less educated (according to her standards), I took the precaution of looking up the word in my dog-earred Webster dictionary, in case I have been hibernating in a cave or under a rock when the word was introduce. I came to realize that it must have been her anglicized term for her usage of "mal-edukada", her pidgin Spanish expletive as she berated her students in class. "Mga wala kayong pinagaralan! mga MAL-EDUKADA KAYO!"(You are all uneducated, you are all UNCIVILIZED!) I imagine she would scold them.

As a parting shot and comeback I politely ask her if she could point me to the latest English dictionary which contain the word "MAL-EDUCATED" since my ancient edition only contain the word "uneducated" to denote a lack of knowledge, a person who is unlettered or illiterate. Perhaps realizing her error, ALL my comments were summarily deleted although her responds to them remain in the comment section. Which is kind of funny considering it would appear she was replying to no one. (I was the only one dumb enough to read her rubbish and comment on her article.)

To all stuck-up intellectual/literary snobs, please spell-check your articles first because some MAL-EDUCATED person like me might just take you "ON" :-). I also want to take this opportunity to thank the college professor for providing me with a new expletive, which I have been using with great relish whenever I have an argument with my spouse. I would riposte, "You..you're nothing but a MAL-EDUCATED PERSON!!" We would both burst out laughing ...and that ended our quarrel.

Witty Insult and Clever Comeback Using Condoms

During the cold war era, in pursuit of their propaganda efforts to prove their superiority over the Americans in every aspect of society, the Russian State Security Agency or KGB contracted an American firm to manufacture ten million over-sized condoms. These prophylactics were obviously larger and beyond the size of any normal man. 

Not to be outdone, the CIA (Central Intelligence Agency) of the U.S. instructed the company to make one alteration before shipping the condoms to the former U.S.S.R., In each of the condom packet was printed in bold letters the size labelled "SMALL"

Learn How to Give Witty Insults and Clever Comebacks

Out of the unconscious lips of babes and sucklings are we satirized.
~ Mark Twain

My grandson Zac "The comeback kid"

Some people are endowed with an acerbic tongue that drip with sarcasm. For them, giving clever comebacks or witty insults come naturally.

You might think they are spiteful or want to hurt the feelings of others. But that isn't always the case.

It's just that they see the irony of things around them. To a sarcastic mind the affairs of men is nothing short of a tragic-comedy. The world may be a stage but who wants to unknowingly be caught up in the pantomime performance of fools?

Or perhaps they find certain behavior inappropriate in polite conversation and feel the need to rectify the situation.

If you must poke fun for amusement or have the urge to shut up obnoxious people, then there are certain things you must be observant of aside from what they are saying. Take note of how they look, their mannerism or the clothes they wear. Often these will give you clues on how to set them up for your repartee.

The 3 T's to a successful witty insult or clever comeback

Target - Try not to get into an entanglement with people in authority like a police officer who is carrying a gun, your boss who has the ability to fire you or your mother in law who can make your marriage a living hell.

Do not use insulting comebacks in a scatter-gun manner firing indiscriminately. Applied at the wrong time with the wrong person and you might end up not only hurting someone's feeling, but hurting yourself if the person you insulted is capable of beating the living daylights out of you.

So choose your targets wisely.

Timing - It is essential to time your retort or comeback at the right moment to achieve the desired effect. If you wait too long, it loses it's value and may look strange or lame. Also choose your words carefully in order not to give the impression among others in the conversation that you are a bully badmouthing the target out of malice. (Even if that is the reason)

Don't forget to smile before you deliver the punch line. This tell the others you are not serious and avoid turning the banter into a heated argument. Follow the WGL rule; Wink, Grin, or Laugh.

Tact - People don't really like being humiliated in front of others, especially among their peers. 

Your witty insults and clever comebacks may provide amusement and elicit laughter, but it also leaves a sour and bitter aftertaste with the victim. You might start to notice friends and acquaintance avoiding eye contact with you during social gatherings, or decide they needed to be somewhere else as you  approach and enter into their group conversation.

The repartee is a finely wrought tool that can either make you the life of the party or a pariah. Temper your witty insults and clever comebacks with moderation.

Witty Insult and Clever Comeback Against the Devil

"Tis no sin to cheat the devil" ~ Daniel Defoe

A mathematician, a physicist and a high school dropout were at the pearly gates of heaven waiting to be allowed entrance. But instead of St.Peter, they were met by the Devil.

"Heaven is overcrowded right now and I have been delegated by God to limit those who can enter."

"I will allow you to ask me one question, and you can enter heaven if I cannot answer it" continued the Devil.

The mathematician created a complicated Calculus problem which would have taken a person using a computer days to solve, but the devil only look at it briefly and gave the correct answer. Poof! The mathematician vanish and found himself in Hell.

The physicist was next and he ask for the solution to a quantum physics question which Einstein had never solved. The Devil took a minute to find the answer. "Albert ask me a similar question, why don't you join him." The physicist found his body molecules disintegrating and he was on his way to hell as well.

"Before I ask my question, I need a stool with seven holes drill into the seat" the high school dropout requested.

Although it was not part of the deal, the Devil was intrigue and with a snap of his fingers the stool appeared.

The dropout then sat on the stool and farted. "Now which hole did my fart go through?" he ask the Devil.

"That's easy" Satan replied without bothering to think, "It pass through all of them."

"Wrong...you can go back to hell. I farted through my ASS-HOLE."

Needless to say, the high school dropout entered heaven.

Using Backhanded Compliments for Witty Insults and Clever Comebacks

Similar to the comeback is the complisult (compliment + insult). The correct term is asteism; a genteel manner of deriding another with polite irony. It is commonly known as a backhanded or left handed compliment.

"I'm impress, you're smarter than you look."

"You look good in that dress, have you lost weight?"

"You're a good driver, for a woman."

However, some people are either simple-minded or dim-witted they fail to discern the contempt and actually believe they are being complimented.

A class buffoon was making a nuisance of himself around a girl who was trying to study for an exam.

"I never study for an exam" he quip.

Her retort "Of course you don't need to study, why learn when ignorance is instantaneous." probably didn't sink into his thick skull.

The irony wasted on the stupid.

Backhanded compliments can be simple.

Women can get away with "Aren't you sweet...." or end it with "....Bless_ heart."

"Well, aren't you sweet, you poor pox riddled tart."

"That Arleen is one fat cow, bless her heart"

You can also wink..

"You're so cute!" (to a fat person)

12 backhand complements for insulting comebacks

1. "You're pretty in an unconventional way." (to a plain looking girl)

2. "What a beautiful baby! Was it conceived naturally?" ( to a proud father)

3. "You're really pretty in this picture, I didn't recognize you!" (looking at her photo)

4. "You know, your English is really good." (American to a British living in the U.S.)

5. "Wow, you only weigh that much? Unbelievable!"

6. "Your diet plan seems to be working...maybe it's because you're wearing baggy clothes"

7. "I like your new hair style, it makes your nose look smaller."

8. "You're funny, in the way that you make people laugh at you."

9. "I make a terrible first impression..."

"Don't worry, it takes a while to get use to you."

10. "You can be a model. Make-up does wonders."

11. "Your thin lips are probably the best think about your looks."

12. "You're really awkward around people, but in an endearing way."

Just be careful not to commit a faux pas, or you may find yourself in an uncomfortable situation.

A man trying to be witty remark to his girlfriend....

"I don't know why people have sex with prostitutes when there are gorgeous women like you who will do it for free."

He's now her ex-boyfriend. 

Witty Insult and Clever Comeback Against an Intellectual Snob

"I love it when someone insults me. That means I don't have to be nice anymore" ~ Billy Idol

A young college professor, Charles Boorman was an intellectual snob. 

He looked down on his suburban neighbors with arrogant disdain. "Their men are incredibly dim-witted," he often said, "and their wives total airheads."
On a stroll one Sunday morning, he came across a neighbor perched atop a tree fastening the ropes for a child's swing.
"Ah, Ken," he called out "Reverting to type, I suppose?"
When his neighbor just wave a friendly greeting, Charles continued, "I always suspected you evolved from some monkey ancestors."

Dropping to the ground, Ken smiled. "I guess I did," he said. 
"And may I wish your descendants the same good luck."

20 Witty Insults and Clever Comebacks From Famous People

Have you ever lost the power of human speech while being assaulted verbally by a loudmouth? 

Do you find yourself mumbling unintelligible monosyllabic words, awestruck by the overbearing presence of a prominent person? 

Or perhaps suffer in silent agony from the pontifical hooey of an annoying know it all?

THE BEST ADVICE IS TO STAY CLEAR OF THEM. UNFORTUNATELY THAT'S NOT ALWAYS POSSIBLE.

Then why not parry the verbal abuse by responding with a quick, clever or humorous riposte?

Comebacks that have the pointed barb of sarcasm cloth in polite term. Like a riposte, a witty repartee parries an opponent's thrust and counterattacks with a conversation stopper. The perfect squelch to the boastfulness of a pompous fool, delivering a direct missile hit to the person's ego with devastating effect.

To bring about a quick resolution to an unwarranted confrontation, it is not necessary to step down to name calling or use profanity and obscene language. 

You can still insult and express contempt in a tactful and tasteful manner.

20 Witty Repartee and Brilliant Comebacks from Famous People

1. "You're a good example of why some animals eat their young" ~ Jim Samuels

2. "You're a parasite for sore eyes" ~ Gregory Ratoff

3. "Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?" ~ Milton Berle

4. "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." ~ Irvin S. Cobb

5. "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." ~ Mark Twain

6. "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." ~ Stephen Bishop

7. "I regard you with an indifference bordering on aversion."~ Robert Louis Stevenson

8. "He hasn't an enemy in the world, but all his friends hate him." ~ Eddie Cantor

9. "Sometimes I need what only you can provide; your absence." ~ Ashleigh Brilliant

10. "Am reserving two tickets for you for my premiere. Come and bring a friend - if you have one."(George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill)
"Impossible to be present for the first performance. Will attend second - if there is one." (Churchill's reply)

11. "Fine words! I wonder where you stole them." ~ Jonathan Swift

12. "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."~(William Faulkner about Ernest Hemingway)
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words" ~ (Ernest Hemingway about William Faulkner)

13. "From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it." ~ Groucho Marx

14. "If I were married to you, I'd put poison in your coffee." ( Lady Astor to Winston Churchill)
"If you were my wife, I'd drink it." (Churchill's reply)

15. "You will either die on the gallows or of a loathsome disease." ( John Montague to John Wilkes)
"That depends on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress." (John Wilkes, in reply)

16. "A modest little person, with much to be modest about."~ Winston Churchill

17. "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." ~ Forrest Tucker

18. "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." ~ Billy Wilder

19. "He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." ~ Abraham Lincoln

20. "You have delighted us long enough" ~ Jane Austen

Witty Insults and clever comebacks, anyone?

25 Witty Insults and Clever Comebacks

Have you ever gotten into an argument with someone and couldn't think of something witty or clever as a rejoinder, so you say something feeble and lame.Maybe even ended up looking pathetic or feeling stupid? Then the next day it pops into your mind, the perfect repartee. "Ohhh...I wish I said that" you tell yourself, but too late.

It's called the "comeback", The witty repartee that insults with finesse. Another possible term could be the "perfect squelch". So the art could be called "squelchmanship" and the practitioner a "squelcher" :))

The wit or "squelcher" is the one who laughs best because he always has the last laugh with the cutting comebacks that never fail to leave his victims speechless behind a bright crimson blush. Haven't you ever CRUSHED someone beneath the insulting comeback of your last word? It felt good, didn't it?

We admire people whose witty repartee could stop a charging bull dead on it's tracks. Their insulting comeback, a sharp riposte dripping with sarcasm that evokes laughter and make the OTHER PERSON look stupid.

Naturally, the perfect wit or "squelcher" is a mythical beast, but all of us have the ability to be insultingly witty. It just need commitment on our part.

Successful use of the repartee or comeback requires a keen perception, a temperate nature not given to emotional outburst, the mental capacity to formulate suitable words and the verbal skills to employ them.


25 WITTY INSULTS AND CLEVER COMEBACKS WE WISH WE MADE OURSELVES

1. "If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you" 

2. "Is it time for your medication" 

3. "I'm not so good with the advice, can I interest you with a sarcastic comment" 

4. "Are those your eyeballs, I found them in my cleavage"

5. "The trouble with you is that you lack the power of conversation but not the power of speech" 

6. "Nice perfume, must you marinate in it?"

7. "I wish we were better strangers" 

8. "I'm not your type, I'm not inflatable"

9. "I'll always cherish the original misconception I had about you"

10. "I see you're still working on your random intelligence" 

11. "It's a plastic surgeon you need, not a doctor 

12. "Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you any worse advice. 

13. "You never slow down to think, I guess it's too painful to spend time with your own thoughts"

14. "I can't believe that out of 10,000 sperm,you were the quickest"

15. "I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter"

16. "Not everyone is annoying, some are dead"

17. "I could have been your dad but the dog beat me over the fence"

18. "How many times do I have to flush before you go away"

19. "There's a fine line between house-sitting and breaking into someone's home while they're on vacation and eating all their food"

20. "With your IQ, I don't think you would understand"

21. "Other than being disgusting,irritating,stupid and smelly, your actually quite okay"

22. "Your so funny you make people laugh at you"
.
23. "I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time"

24. "If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive"

25. "Don't be humble, you're not that great."

NOTE: keep a collection of as many repartee, modifying them as the circumstance warrant. Then put them into use whenever an opportunity arises. With practice you can become the "wit" in any verbal tussle, instead of being at the end of another person's  witty insults and clever comebacks.