"Wit laughs at everybody, humor laughs with everybody."~
Abraham Lincoln
16th U.S. President, civil rights activist, self-educated lawyer, orator, storyteller par excellence.
Many a White House visitor was put at ease by the President's good humor and yarn spinning.
"I really think that Mr. Lincoln's propensity for story-telling has been exaggerated by his enemies. I had once the honor of conversing with him, or rather of hearing him converse, for several minutes, and in all that time he only told four little stories." ~ Sarah Jane Lippincott
Abraham Lincoln was a prodigious reader and fond of collecting stories and anecdotes.
A cabinet member recalls how the president once held up the reception line at a White House affair, in order to ask a guest to repeat an anecdote that he had told the president earlier. Lincoln apparently had forgotten some points of the story.
Lincoln would use anecdotes and humorous stories drawn from all classes of society to get across a point. No matter how complicated the subject matter was, people were able to see and realize the rationale of his argument through the simplicity of storytelling.
He also found solace in story telling. It seem to ease the burden of the presidency, especially the intense responsibility he felt for the issue of the civil war and the lives that were lost.
Abe Lincoln had a talent for spotting the ludicrous and humorous side in anything and everything.
A committee of sanctimonious war managers demanded General Grant's removal on the charge that he imbibe too much whiskey and was no better than a common drunkard. President Lincoln came to the defense of his successful general.
"Ah! You surprise me, gentlemen. But can you tell me where he gets his whiskey?"
"We cannot, Mr. President. But why do you wish to know?"
"Because I would like to send a barrel of this wonderful whiskey to every general in the army." the president answered.
Lincoln narrated this story in a light dig at the contentious and noisy critics to his handling of the civil war
"A frontiersman found himself lost in an uninhabited region on a dark stormy night. Accompanying the torrents of rain were lightnings and more terrible thunder. A bolt of lightning struck a nearby tree, causing the man to get down on his knees. Although not the church going kind, his appeal was short and to the point. "Oh, good Lord, if it's all the same to you, give us a little more light, and less noise."
(I would have love to see how today's crop of politicians fare at the foil tip of Abraham Lincoln's witty insults and clever comebacks.:)
The most trivial circumstance provided the background for his witty repartee.
A fellow lawyer, W.H. Lamon got into a scuffle that cause a large tear in the rear of his trousers. Unfortunately he had no time to change as he was due in court to take up a case. Because he had on a short coat, his misfortune was apparent. As a joke, other lawyers inside the courthouse started passing a subscription paper to buy a pair of pants for Lamon, -"He being a poor but worthy young man" the paper read. Several put down their names with almost ridiculous amount of donation.
Finally it reach Lincoln, who quietly glance over the paper.
Taking up his pen, wrote after his name, " I can contribute nothing to the end in view."
Abraham Lincoln was not handsome. Some would even say he had an ugly face. But he had a self-effacing nature that didn't hesitate to poke fun even at himself. During a heated debate, Lincoln was accused of being two-faced by an obviously hostile opponent. Without insulting the other man, he manage to defend himself and defuse the tension.
Turning calmly to the crowd, Lincoln replied:
"If I had two faces, do you think I'd be wearing this one?"
Abraham Lincoln is among the most admire and revered U.S. presidents. He is the quintessence of what is noble in man. His wit and homespun humor added to that mystique.
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you"
People seem to like being insulted by Groucho, and he had the knack to dish it out.
Julius Henry "Groucho" Marx was an American film star and comedian famous for his quick wit and rapid fire delivery of maliciously laced spiels. Outside the movie studios his impromptu antics often found friends at the end of his witty comebacks and insulting repartee, much to their public embarrassment. Even his family was not spared.
Often diverting from the written script, Groucho was known as a loose cannon and notorious for saying almost anything that came to mind. At a show hosted by Bob Hope, he decided again to ignore the script. Although a formidable ad-libber himself, Bob Hope could not keep up with Groucho's barrage of improvise jokes.
To an annoying woman he said, ''I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.''
A wealthy lady once pulled up in a car and endeavored to persuade the gardener to come work for her. Unknown to her, the "gardener" was Groucho dressed in a well worn out attire.
"How much does the lady of the house pay you?" She ask.
"Oh, I don't get paid in dollars," not bothering to look up from his work Groucho replied, "the lady of the house just lets me sleep with her."
Then there is the urban legend that has been going around. The story goes that among the many interviewed by Groucho Marx for the show "You bet your life" was a certain contestant, who claimed to have given birth to nine children. (some say 17, others 22)
"I love my husband " was her way of explaining the reason.
"I love my cigar too," Groucho replied, "but I take it out once in a while."
Although he didn't believe in the occult, Groucho Marx was once persuaded into attending a seance. He sat in respectful silence while the Swami stared into a crystal ball, brought forth the departed souls from the beyond and answered queries from the seance participant in an eerie monotone.
After a long spell of indistinct enunciation, the sorcerer finally intoned, "My medium is growing tired. There is only time for one more question."
Without a moments hesitation Groucho riposte, "Ask it what the capital of North Dakota is?"
Have you ever lost the power of human speech while being assaulted verbally by a loudmouth?
Do you find yourself mumbling unintelligible monosyllabic words, awestruck by the overbearing presence of a prominent person?
Or perhaps suffer in silent agony from the pontifical hooey of an annoying know it all?
THE BEST ADVICE IS TO STAY CLEAR OF THEM. UNFORTUNATELY THAT'S NOT ALWAYS POSSIBLE.
Then why not parry the verbal abuse by responding with a quick, clever or humorous riposte?
Comebacks that have the pointed barb of sarcasm cloth in polite term. Like a riposte, a witty repartee parries an opponent's thrust and counterattacks with a conversation stopper. The perfect squelch to the boastfulness of a pompous fool, delivering a direct missile hit to the person's ego with devastating effect.
To bring about a quick resolution to an unwarranted confrontation, it is not necessary to step down to name calling or use profanity and obscene language.
You can still insult and express contempt in a tactful and tasteful manner.
20 Witty Repartee and Brilliant Comebacks from Famous People
1. "You're a good example of why some animals eat their young" ~ Jim Samuels
2. "You're a parasite for sore eyes" ~ Gregory Ratoff
3. "Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?" ~ Milton Berle
4. "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." ~ Irvin S. Cobb
5. "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." ~ Mark Twain
6. "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." ~ Stephen Bishop
7. "I regard you with an indifference bordering on aversion."~ Robert Louis Stevenson
8. "He hasn't an enemy in the world, but all his friends hate him." ~ Eddie Cantor
9. "Sometimes I need what only you can provide; your absence." ~ Ashleigh Brilliant
10. "Am reserving two tickets for you for my premiere. Come and bring a friend - if you have one."(George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill)
"Impossible to be present for the first performance. Will attend second - if there is one." (Churchill's reply)
11. "Fine words! I wonder where you stole them." ~ Jonathan Swift
12. "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."~(William Faulkner about Ernest Hemingway)
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words" ~ (Ernest Hemingway about William Faulkner)
13. "From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it." ~ Groucho Marx
14. "If I were married to you, I'd put poison in your coffee." ( Lady Astor to Winston Churchill)
"If you were my wife, I'd drink it." (Churchill's reply)
15. "You will either die on the gallows or of a loathsome disease." ( John Montague to John Wilkes)
"That depends on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress." (John Wilkes, in reply)
16. "A modest little person, with much to be modest about."~ Winston Churchill
17. "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." ~ Forrest Tucker
18. "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." ~ Billy Wilder
19. "He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." ~ Abraham Lincoln
20. "You have delighted us long enough" ~ Jane Austen
Witty Insults and clever comebacks, anyone?
